“In the end as you fade into the light, who will tell the story of your life”

Have you ever sat and thought about what you have to contribute to the world?

Most of us cruise through this life achieving goals, acquiring education, landing that awesome career, maybe if we are lucky enough: finding that someone to share our journey and for some, produce a human to make more of the world than we thought ourselves possible to. But where does our dreaming stop and real life with boring responsibility begin as we travel through? And why is it alright to let go of your outlandish goals to just pursue what is set forth as our purpose in society?

I don’t think its OK. I have always wanted more and have decided to be that example for my special someone and tiny human. I am not OK with the end game expectation of following what every other person is settling for in everyday life.

We are submerged in a society who elevates those with more than most. We put these people on a pedestal and even call them lucky.  Let’s talk about luck (my husband will love this).  Luck is neither adjective nor adverb, but a verb.  An action word.  No celebrity, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or Shaquille O’Neal got their millions by playing McDonald’s Monopoly or happening upon a winning scratch off ticket.  Sure there are those people but who knows their names? They are the quote un-quote lucky ones and who cares enough about luck to remember these people’s names.  So luck is out of my vocabulary.

You create your future.  Quite literally.  And I refuse to be a forgettable name that found… gag… luck.

Through my ranting and rambling I intend to explore myself and truly find that aspect that makes me special because I truly believe that I am.  I make idiot decisions sometimes and have a few personal flaws.  But all of this is manageable and can even spur more inspiration because of the “struggle”.  Right? All good stories start with a struggle.  I am excited for the ride. The shitty times, the golden sparkly ones and the “Oh My God” teary ones.  You should be to.

No Control

Never like losing control. I lost control and scared my baby. I felt angry and out of control, couldn’t breathe. Still can’t. I feel like I’m floating outside of my body and that makes me angry. Keeps my breath tight. Extremities are tingly and I’m mad. I want to handle this myself. I want to have control. I want to be independent of chemicals or even any supplement of what I can achieve just through my own heart. My heart is good, my will is strong. My potential is endless but I feel like I can’t just get a grasp on success and how to put that solely in my sights. My baby used to be my only focus, but now we have grown apart as she has grown up so fast. Too fast. It breaks my heart to imagine how many smiles and sillies I have missed trying to pursue success and fulfill my dream of being greater than myself. Different than myself. But, what is truly the question? What is wrong with just being me?